The guy on the brink – From the Counselor’s Diary

I was alone in my office that day, no session lined up when this guy (*Rohan) knocked my door and asked if I’m free. He was a final year engineering student and I was the counselor in the university. I invited him in and there a story stated to unveil which was filled with sadness, nightmares, a lot of heartache, emotional turmoil and distress.

Rohan lost his friend recently, he (*Joshua) committed suicide and was his roommate. Rohan found him hanging to the ceiling. There was extreme sadness, depression and despair in Rohan’s heart. Moreover the sadness, he felt guilty for his friend’s suicide.

This narrative is not about the therapy I provided him or the exchange of information we both had in detail, yes it will touch it briefly but this post is about the unfathomable human emotions Rohan felt and about how he survived this sorrow, when he himself reached to the brink and also to talk about how it is important to talk about our pain with someone when our own bucket is overflowing.

Rohan said, I want to share something, I don’t know where to start but I’m just too anxious and it feels there are butterflies in my stomach from a long time. I want to rest, sleep and not think, not feel guilty but I’m not able to. I want my normal life and want to pass out my college or me and my family’s future dreams will crash but I‘m just not able to concentrate. I gave him a green signal, made him comfortable and told him that he should pour all his anxiety and distress in the session and we will see that he should get his normal life back.

I heard his narrative, how his room – mate who was also his good friend was going through a break – up and how he regressed deep down. Joshua was burning in his own hell, and one day sought freedom by taking his own life. Rohan felt depressed that why couldn’t he got to know that Joshua was about to take such extreme measures of ending his own life, he had sorrow for his family who had expectations from Joshua and now had a big hole in their hearts. Rohan was heart – broken thinking if only he could recognize the signs, he felt guilty that if only, he was paying attention to Joshua that fateful night, maybe he could have been saved. Rohan felt angry that his friend was so deeply involved in his past relationship that he had no value for others in his life, that he didn’t even shared his pain with Rohan, his buddy. Above all, Rohan was now suffering from insomnia, depression, over thinking, revengeful towards his friend’s ex – girl friend, anxious about his own family’s condition in which he thought to contribute after having a professional degree but now he wasn’t able to study a bit – the future seemed scary. He himself mentioned fleeting thoughts of suicide to end the pain.

He was the lone guy standing over the brink of a deep trench with black clouds everywhere – thinking too much but feeling helpless. But that day he did something wonderful for himself, he decided to share his pain. He decided to defeat this enemy known as depression and emotional turmoil. He also finally decided to set himself free from his own personal hell but by taking talking about his pain and taking help.

Over the course of time, Rohan developed forgiveness towards his friend, his ex – girlfriend and above all towards himself. He made efforts to understand his anger in such a situation and its futility. He made the conscious choice of getting active physically and mentally both and slowly processed his grief. He enhanced his concentration, learnt many corrective measures. He fulfilled his aim of leaving all his psychiatric medicines and still started getting a good sleep and a grip over his life. He decided to believe the facts that he was not the one to feel guilty, how suicide was not a right way to deal with your demons and together we went to thorough understanding all signs and symptoms a person shows when he is under despair or might be feeling suicidal. He promised that he will be always be more aware to the people around him; to see something like this never gets repeated around him. Finally, he decided to face his friend’s parents too and met them to share their feelings, the mutual loss and cherish the good old memories of the person long gone.

Rohan found himself again and is still in touch with me. He is married by now, have a happy life and is professionally doing very well.  I know he will read this story someday and might wonder why I chose his story to share with everyone. I would simply say, because I’m proud of you Rohan. Because you didn’t let life slip away from your hands and decided to come back from the brink. Kudos to you!!